Month: December 2024

–Read this is a cry for help now, at Anvi’s Thoughts Caught–

i don’t know why,
i always try.

when you make me feel like i’m broken,
you make it so hard to believe im not worthless.

crying into my pillowcase; wiping tears underneath my glasses,
weeping in the shower; ‘course you give me anxiety in all my classes,

and i can’t do this anymore; i sigh into the phone,
wishing, dreaming, praying, wondering why, nothing’s my own.

why’d you gotta take control, why’d you gotta be so cold,
why is nothing i do enough, why can’t you believe what everyone else sees? (why can’t you see what everyone else believes?)

lonely daydreams as i crumble inside; catharsis no longer in sight,
proficiency is measured by your unattainable scales; right or wrong is just your point of view.

and the views not looking that great from back where i’m standing,
no one believes the things that are my daily life, and i-

struggle to stay afloat, drown in the weight of desires, crumble under the pressure,
fearing to be myself, frightened by the prospect of unending pleasure,

and i don’t think god exists, but then again, who am i to know?
‘cause i’m just a sheltered child, who’s never seen the falling snow.

and even now i’m scared to let the world in, open the blinds and show myself as is,
and the curtain’s rising, and i’m dying, slowly inside, ‘cause even now, i could never publish this.

THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP

ANVI TUTEJA

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And after 762 days of procrastination and life, VALIDATION comes to a close.
All of these poems had been written pre-announcement so this unique insight into 2022 Anvi’s brain as 2024 ‘nearly-an-adult’ Anvi is delightful! I have written so much more in the past two years that I have been delaying sharing – from Vengeance and 3 am thoughts and 1 am wanderings and misplaced emotions and Gemini to my current work-in-progress best thing at this party? and my next book…
THERE! Now you know exactly what to expect for the next 5-10 years should my posting remain erratic! Seriously though, I’m gearing towards a more regulated schedule, so look forward to posting promptly so I can get through my eras of writing!

Read more from VALIDATION at Anvi’s Thoughts Caught.

Similar poems include:
– could i despise you?, ASTRONOMY
– insanity, ASTRONOMY
– Don’t You Think?, Incandescence
– SADIST, the real me, the wandering poet

–Read That’s The Way I Loved You now, at Anvi’s Thoughts Caught–

Inspired by Taylor Swift’s The Way I Loved You…

He’ll keep me company when I can’t sleep at night,
The one who does it all and makes it perfectly all right,
He drops everything for me; holds me in the pouring rain,
Tries his best; he takes away the pain,

Yes, he takes away the pain; makes me forget all about you,
And maybe if I say it enough times, it’ll become true…
He’s charming, He’s never late, He’s perfect,
He calls when he says he will, He’s so honourable and he’ll never suspect…

He’s funny, makes me laugh, yet it’s a hollow sound,
He lets go of me and asks me what’s wrong, turning me ’round,
I say it’s nothing, that I’m perfectly fine,
And yet the sinking feeling in my heart says he’s not the one I want to be mine,

You were so insanely, madly, deeply fascinating,
So incandescently, wildly, frustratingly, intoxicating,
And I miss screaming and fighting, and cursing your name,
And kissing in the rain and going insane,

He’s sensible and comfortable and,
Brings flowers for my mother and,
Talks business with my father and,
And is loved by all the girls in this desolate land,

And yesterday, at my favourite lake, we met you,
And I held him defiantly, trying to prove to you that our love was true,
Even though I wanted to kiss you more than anything else,
But your grey-green eyes saw through everything in myself,

Saw through the lies and pretenses and doubts,
And you could have said it right there and then and brought it out,
But you didn’t, and something in me is breaking,
Because that last shred of hope in me is dying,

I excuse myself, and he offers to drive me home,
I politely decline, and your bright eyes follow me as I walk away alone,
And I’m running and running as far as I can away from you,
Across meadows and gardens and lakes and through,

And then I stop heaving for breath, and I look about,
It’s a hidden dreamland, our old favourite spot,
I look around reminiscently, and then something startles me,
I turn around and who do I see, but you,

You, wearing your dark jeans and a green jacket,
You, smiling sadly as if this had not gone as you planned it,
I take a step back even though I want to run into your arms,
And you look like you want me to do the same, intoxicated by your fiery charms,

No one says a word, and it’s silent except for the sound of the grass under your feet, as you walk toward me,
And you do something I could never ever have hoped to see,
You pull me into your arms, and I look up, surprised,
And as the world melts away, it was then I finally realized…

I never even wanted to care about him, it was always you,
Your charms, your smiles, your laughs, it was always really true,
Now you keep me company at night,
You’re the one who holds me and always makes it right,

With your perfect, intoxicating, incandescent love,
And I know this is all I’ve ever wanted, your true love,
And now, five years later, with your ring on my finger,
It was that day I’ll never forget and always remember.
ANVI TUTEJA

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this is a cry for help’s release date is Friday, 27.12.2024.
Read more from VALIDATION at Anvi’s Thoughts Caught.

Similar poems include:
– seven times, REPUTATION
– Auld Lang Syne, REPUTATION
– Love is a Limerick
– It All Made Sense To Me, Incandescence
– Opposites Attract, Incandescence

–Read compulsive liar now, at Anvi’s Thoughts Caught–

Believe them, Believe me,
Believe that I used to think I could fly,
And now I’m falling down,

Yesterday was a mountain but from Today’s
vantage point it feels like a molehill

And the gravity’s too much, when you’re close enough to touch,
And I’m praying you can’t see what’s going on inside my head.

Because I see you, with me,
Because I see you, the way nobody ever saw me,
Because I see you, and every night you’re in my head,
Every time it feels like something different.
To me. But does it feel the same to you?
Or do you see me as someone out with just a vendetta to prove?
The allegations made against me were never true.
Because baby, how could I hate you, if I still love you?

And people have told me, that I’m at a crossroads.
Do I let it happen naturally and make him fall for me?
Or do I block him out of my life, and hopefully my heart?
Oh, now we’re just like the kids we really are, stumbling around in the dark.
Searching for serendipity, walking/wading through fields of anarchy.

And I’m not the type to take it lying down.
I’m not the type to make you fall so hard.
Because guys like you don’t like girls like me.
And even flight can’t help when we’re universes/worlds apart.

And it doesn’t make sense to me – why would you pretend?
Why would you lie and say the things only I know that you ever said?
But I was born of fire, and you reduced me to flame,
But you can bet that you weren’t the only one to blame.
The blame’s on me because I trusted you too many times with my sanity,
And now I’m standing here trying to take it all back for the sake of what was you and me.
The old you, The old me, And you can bet that I would have regretted it even way back then.
I would have regretted the choices I made. Regretted I didn’t say goodbye when,
You showed me who you really were, but I didn’t believe you, now I’m praying I’ll stop loving you.
I gave you one, two, three, four thousand chances, when I should have closed the door,
And gone back inside, with my dignity intact, instead of begging for more.
But that’s on me. For not seeing who you really were. A compulsive liar.
But now I’m ending the chapter. And I don’t really care that you made a mistake, that she was a trick, and the situation was too dire.
ANVI TUTEJA

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That’s The Way I Loved You’s release date is Saturday, 21.12.2024.
Read more from VALIDATION at Anvi’s Thoughts Caught.

Similar poems include:
– Playing with Fire, Incandescence
– Why? Why Not?, VALIDATION
– paradox, the real me, the wandering poet
– Queen of Mean & Crumbling Utopia, Reputation

–Read beautiful boy now, at Anvi’s Thoughts Caught–

You’re a very contradictory person.
That, I think, is the very essence of being human.
Of being alive.
Of living in the faux pass that freedom grants us.

The freedom to be.
To exist.

Because how dare you exist?
How dare you be that beautiful?
What must it have been like?
Growing up looking like that?
You’re a beautiful boy.

But how dare you be that beautiful?
How dare you live life looking like that?

That doesn’t seem fair, beautiful boy.
How dare you? How dare they?

Because now I’m back, I’m back here again, begging for footnotes in the story of your life?

It isn’t fair you got to grow up looking like that.
Not when I had to look like I’d been to hell and back.

And I would.
I would go to hell and back.
For you.
Only for you.

But not because you’re beautiful.
Because you’re you and I’m me.
And I could never be that beautiful.
Not today, Not tomorrow, Not ever.

And I need you to know that.
Need you to accept that and understand there isn’t anything you and I could do to change that.

And honestly?
I’m not sure I would want to.

But what’s important is that acceptance of me for me.
Or else this won’t work.

Because if one of us won’t want this, it’s all over.
Gone.

Over like the (delayed) denouement.
Fallen like the (irreplaceable) house of cards.
Floating down, down, down like the (frail) leaves of the first autumn morning.
Blown away like the (ferocious) wind that has been wronged.
Destroyed like the (ethereal) love this could have been.
ANVI TUTEJA

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compulsive liar’s release date is Sunday, 15.12.2024.
Read more from VALIDATION at Anvi’s Thoughts Caught.

Similar poems include:
– born beautifully, VALIDATION
– Reaching CENNET: An Ode to Istanbul, Reputation
– Engima Part II, Incandescence
– Living Daymares, Incandescence