Experiences – Thoughts Caught

Love Feels Like Loneliness

April 29, 2021April 29, 2021 anvituteja

I don’t know this feeling, it’s a dragging in my soul,
I don’t know how I’m gonna come out of this- complete and whole,
I can’t tell if I’m still thinking,
Don’t even know now, how to keep on living,

I sit here alone in the dark,
On a terrifying tale, has my soul embark,
And now I know, now I’m mature,
Mature enough to know – it’s all part of nature,

Now I know the despairs,
Of a broken heart rare,
They tried to shield me from the dangers,
But they just pushed me away, and now we feel like strangers,

And now I know, sometimes – Love Feels Like Loneliness,
And your love has now turned to carelessness,
You did what was you though was best and I thank you for that,
But I haven’t heard from you in years, and I don’t know where you’re at,

I loved you both, I loved them all, but you left me behind,
And thoughts and what ifs are all that do surround my mind,
Your Love Feels Like Loneliness, and there’s nothing I can do,
That’ll make you stay, ’cause you’re already on your way, (that’s true,)

And I know that I’ll be fine, someday, yeah, someday,
But all I know is that someday, isn’t going to be, no god forbid, today,
And now you’re out of this mind of mine,
And no, I’m never going to be fine,

Because yes, I loved you, and I think that I still do,
Yes, I now that I do, but do you?
Because to me, your Love Feels Like Loneliness,
But to you, did my love feels like Nothingness?

L – O – N – E – L – Y, why don’t you stop living that lie,
L – O – N – E – L – Y, how do you feel? Tell me why?
And I love you, but I don’t think you know – this is for you,
Especially after all I’ve done, you wouldn’t know if I was true,

But this is sorry, not goodbye, because I still love you after all them lies,
You did it for my own good, and I didn’t know about my wiles,
And I love you, because Your Love Feels Like Loneliness,
And I never realised how much, I needed your Happiness.
ANVI TUTEJA

-with you till the end of the line, pal-

Anvi Tuteja, Experiences, Poems

Love Yourself Like I Do Myself

April 25, 2021April 26, 2021 anvituteja

Made me believe I was living a lie for someone else,
But I don’t need you to love me, because I already love myself,
My flaws, my misconceptions, my defections- they make me who I am,
No, I’m perfect as I am; no, not any corrections to the programme,

You left me all alone – crying and brokenhearted,
But I still needed this love – while it lasted,
But you never loved me for who I was,
Just a wandering, meandering spirit – meant to be lost,

I’m older now, but I miss the days when I was naïve,
I used to believe the perfect guy would come and find me,
Even after all the hardships, the cracks in my armour,
I will always remember you, the perfect charmer,

But you made me broken, made me insecure,
At night your jeering voices, still come to lure,
But then I learned a secret rare,
Something I pass to you, with more than a dare,

All I can say at the end of the day – Love Yourself Like I Do Myself,
Don’t ever compromise, don’t live for someone else,
You only get one life, use it, cherish it, love it,
For without your permission, no one can break your spirit,

I love myself, my flaws, my imperfections,
I know my mistakes, but I still laugh like interjections,
And that’s the secret of destiny, the flavour to life,
If you love yourself, no one can make you feel strife,

And it’s six months later, I’ve never been better,
No need to be perfect, be charming – right down to the letter,
Because I Love Myself Like There’s No One Else,
Because this life that I’m living, well, it’s all for myself.
ANVI TUTEJA

-with you till the end of the line, pal-

Anvi Tuteja, Experiences, Poems

Insecure

April 20, 2021 anvituteja

Yes, I’m insecure,
And no, they really isn’t any cure,
But you never really cared about that, did you?
To you, I was just another name in the books, one-two,

I have always wondered, why I was such a hesitant dancer,
Well, now I think I finally have my answer,
I have always wondered, why I was too afraid to reach for the sky,
Well, now I think I finally know why,

It was always you, you, you,
I don’t know why I believed this was true, true, true,
You’re so casually cruel, yeah, out of sight-out of mind,
My flaws, you never forget to remind,

Like I don’t already think of them, every single day of my life,
Yeah, but unlike you, they saw me through all the pain, war and strife,
Why, Why, Why did you have to hijack this mind of mine,
Was this all just a ploy – a way to get me to cosign,

Was this all a game to you? Well, it was my life,
And I should’ve seen it coming, the knife,
Yeah, you made me hate myself,
Made me think I was living for someone else,

But now your taunting’s useless,
Yeah, It’s next to nothingness,
I finally grew up, got used to the spotlight,
Finally believed I was someone who deserved this right,

I’m better now, thank you, next,
I finally realised that – more isn’t less,
No, I’m not insecure anymore,
Finally became something even greater than folklore.
ANVI TUTEJA

-with you till the end of the line, pal-

Anvi Tuteja, Experiences, Poems

Broken

April 2, 2021April 19, 2021 anvituteja

Hey guys, Anvi here. Presenting to you – Broken; a new poem for the start of the month. A reminder that being fooled isn’t cowardly. It’s brave, because you cannot asses a person’s worth by when they’re being broken but by when they pick up the pieces and make themselves whole again.
This was inspired by an experience in my life, though it is heavily exaggerated – like a mountain of a molehill.

You were the first to break me,
Did you ever care, just maybe?
My heart is shattered, here all alone,
I’m battered, and you just check your phone,

It was just a throwaway comment,
You said it nonchalantly, spur of the moment,
Lulling me in with that false sense of security,
Laughing, left all pretences of maturity,

And maybe I’m making a mountain of a molehill, and it’s unbecoming,
But I’ve got to admit, I didn’t ever see the knife coming,
And your words, your rumours, your weapons that you pointed at me,
It was the betrayal, the deception, the salt in the wound, straight from the sea,

I hate the way you’re so casually cruel,
Lured me in, and made me act like the fool,
But now I know the truth, as clear as a mirror in the night,
You revelled in my despair, raved in my plight,

But now I hope you’re happy because this is goodbye,
I saw through all your deceits, your pretences and your lies,
The likes of you could never break my spirit,
And to your excuses, tell them this – I don’t want to hear it,

You think you broke me, but you just poked a sleeping dragon,
I will live my destiny and reach the heights you can’t even imagine,
I will never be broken, I will never be defeated,
To win the battles, oh you lied and cheated,

But know this – you could never attain victory,
For I will be the hero, and you won’t even be a footnote in history,
You may have left me to the scorching West Wind,
But you never left as much as a fingerprint on my mind.
ANVI TUTEJA

-with you till the end of the line, pal-

Anvi Tuteja, Experiences, Imageries, Poems

Preserve

March 24, 2021April 19, 2021 anvituteja

Fourth in the Forevermore Series – Preserve:

They say, “You will always be judged on your own merits,”
When someone else fails, not yours is the credit,
But that’s just ridiculous when the judging’s relative,
When I know I was the true winner, how can I be anything but negative?

They say I got what I deserved,
Only that which can be, must be preserved,
I’m sorry I couldn’t hold on,
But my ideas are my downfall – from dusk to dawn,

Now they’re taking revenge,
I’m sorry our love, I could not avenge,
And the others tell me to leave, and go whence I came,
But how do I tell them, nothing ever stays the same,

I came in here – bold as brass,
I scoffed and jeered at them to let me pass,
But now it’s come to bite me back, like a knife in the back,
And now they tell me, my last is on the track,

I’m sorry, I couldn’t preserve my sanity,
I was blinded by misconceptions, beauty and vanity,
So I’m sorry, because I cannot fight back much longer,
But I couldn’t hold on, because my fears were made to be conquered.
ANVI TUTEJA

Read lonely here

Read Remember here

READ RIGHT HERE HERE

READ SoLDIER here

-with you till the end of the line, pal-

Anvi Tuteja, Experiences, Poems

Right Here

March 19, 2021April 14, 2021 anvituteja

Third in the Forevermore series – Right Here.

If I didn’t know better,
I’d say you were listening to me now,
If I didn’t know better,
I’d say you were still around,
But you didn’t stay dead,

You’re still alive, alive in my head,
If I had known, I’d have kept every hastily scrawled sheet,
Because every scrap of you had been taken from me,
I’d say you were right here,
Before I realized you were just a mortal mere,
Now I know better, heard the clacks in the ground,
But I still feel you, in the sky, all around.
ANVI TUTEJA

-with you till the end of the line, pal-

Anvi Tuteja, Experiences, Poems

Don’t You Think

March 16, 2021March 16, 2021 anvituteja

They say, “Come out of your head and into the real world,”
It’s the place where you’ll be really seen and heard,

And I say, “Don’t you think that I’ve tryin’,
Don’t you think I’ve been up all night cryin’,
Don’t you think I’ve been really sighin’,
Don’t you think I’ve been inside dying,”

Don’t you think, Don’t you think, but no, you couldn’t care less,
To you I’m just a pretty face in a dress,
But now I’m done, I must confess,
Because I’m so much more than what you guessed,

And I’m so much more than how I was seen,
Because I can be everything that I’ve dreamed.

ANVI TUTEJA

-with you till the end of the line, pal-

Anvi Tuteja, Experiences, Incandescence, Poems, Reality Reimagined (Incandescence)

It’s The Endgame!

January 1, 2021April 14, 2022 anvituteja

Worry growing, Fear spreading,

Waves of terror consuming a paralysed crowd,

Shouts of ‘it’s coming’ all around,

What is it, you ask, well let’s just say,

It’s a lethal poison or a dangerous adversary, in a way,

It’s cold-blooded, ruthless and unforgiving,

It’s cold, calculating, and takes no prisoners alive,

Old or Young, Rich or Poor, Strong or Weak,

It does not discriminate against lives,

Power, Sustenance and Total Control it does seek,

Worse than War, Scarier than Strife,

Powerful as Poison, Naughty as a Knife,

It’s a universal pandemic,

A worldwide epidemic,

No cure, no chance, no hope,

All the doctors say, “Just wash hands with soap”,

It’s a virus with which the world cannot hope to cope,

All that’s left is to just sit around and mope,

The world’s hanging by fraying ropes,

What else can we do when there are only dopes,

We have had it coming for a long time now,

No use in making a large row,

To put it simply, it is the End of Days,

Nature is rebelling, we incurred her wrath,

Will there be something left in the battle’s aftermath?

The Gods are taking revenge,

All we can do is pray, pray for mercy,

We are paying the price of our lethargy,

This is our fate, set by the Gods above,

It goes by many names,

Ragnarok, Fimbulwinter, Endgame, The Seven Suns,

It all refers to the same,

Total destruction, anarchy and chaos,

Preceded by annihilation and demolition,

Followed by bloodshed and death,

But after the battle, left will be a barren wasteland,

The foundations of a new world,

A new land, a new people, a new race,

Who, we can only hope, will make better choices than we made!

ANVI TUTEJA

-with you till the end of the line, pal-

Anvi Tuteja, Experiences, Recipes, Write-Ups, Written Work

That One Time I Murdered a Ginger Bread Man

January 1, 2021October 4, 2021 anvituteja

(Or When I Made Eggless Chocolate Chip Sugar Butter Cookies)

Hey guys! Anvi here. First things first, I made cookies! Yay! More specifically chocolate chip cookies with butter and sugar! Yum!
Now that we’ve gotten over an esplosione of exclamation marks, let’s cut to the way the cookie crumbles. (All puns intended.)
I have always loved cookies and who doesn’t? (totally rhetorical question btw, i seriously do not want to know, stay away from me cookie anarchists! viva le cookies!) And ever since my winter break started, I had been dying to make some cookies.
And then I had a revelation! I could! I could make cookies, it couldn’t be that hard, could it? It’s not like it’s rocket science or molecular biology! (shivers)

(In hindsight, I probably should have gotten a few contingencies in place, like a fire extinguisher, backup recipes, enough ingredients to feed an army and maybe some how-to guides like remedial recipes for divine dunces. But, anyway, read on…
Warning: It’s not pretty. Like At All.)

The recipe I used is from hebbars kitchen's eggless chocolate chip cookies^[1].

Eggless Chocolate Chip Sugar Butter Cookies Recipe

PREP TIME: 30 Minutes
COOK TIME: 15 Minutes Per Batch
TOTAL TIME FOR ONE BATCH: 45 Minutes
SERVINGS: 6 Per Batch

Ingredients Required

▢½ cup butter
▢1 cup sugar
▢1 cup flour
▢½ tsp baking soda
▢a pinch of salt as needed
▢1 tsp vanilla extract
▢3 tbsp warm milk
▢handful of chocolate chips

Recipe

1. Firstly, in a large mixing bowl mix one cup butter and add one cup sugar.
2. Whisk till the butter and sugar turn creamy.
3. Sieve in take 1 cup flour, ½ tsp baking soda and a pinch of salt as needed.
4. Add 1 tsp vanilla extract, 3 tbsp warm milk and combine well.
5. Knead the dough and combine gently
6. Make small balls and roll the batter. Cut shapes with shape cutters if needed.
7. Place the cookies in baking tray lined with butter paper.
8. Add chocolate chip cookies as required.
9. Bake the cookies in oven for 15 minutes per batch
10. Cool the cookies for 5 minutes on the tray, then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.
11. Enjoy!

Recipe used for chocolate chip cookies

I see you’re back then, so I hope you’re interested! I followed this recipe to a T, (uh, well mostly,) so I was hoping for perfection. But as it turns out, your first batch of cookies is never amazing, but certainly better than your third!
I mixed all the ingredients and mixed the dough in a dough maker. Next, was rolling the dough. I took the largest rolling pin we had, (a whopping one and a half feet long!), and began. Needless to say, my first attempt turned a slightly off-center lump into an even uglier off center weird oval of dough. I turned it back into a ball and yelled for my mom.
My mom assessed my work and immediately took charge of the program. She taught me how to roll dough. (Hint: use dry flour to keep dough from sticking to the rolling pin. But don’t use too much or cookies will taste like dry flour. I learnt that the hard way.)
I learnt how to roll dough and cut the cookies into Christmas trees and Gingerbread Men! Cookie murder had never been more delicious. Muahahaha!
I happily set the cookies into the baking tray and put into the oven. And then I stuffed my face with cookie dough! Ah, heaven. I finally know why there’s a cookie dough ice cream flavour. You learn something new everyday!
I took the cookies out after 15 minutes but to my dismay, the ones in the centre were all dark and burny! Hmph! Blast you stupid oven. In a totally unrelated matter, I have a bandage on my hand and a dent in my oven. Moving on!
I knew better this time and kept the cookies on the sides. 13.2 Minutes I took out a batch of perfect cookies! Yay!
20 Minutes later, I learnt a hard truth of life. It may seem implausible to all you naive cookie-ers but it’s true. I learnt Youtube is not the most important thing in my Life! Gasp! But I know, it’s true. Let me explain…
The third batch of cookies was 100% burnt and I understood, DON’T YOUTUBE WHILE COOKING! We lost a lot of good dough that day, and my only regret is the loss and sacrifice of those brave cookies. We salute you.

So there you have it, folks! A play by play of a battle we may have won, but it took a lot of brave (ginger bread) men to do it. But, we did warn you. We all knew going to this war, it was not going to be easy and all we can do is remember the brave cookies who lost their lives doing it.

Welp! Next project, Donuts…(Cue the evil laugh. Muahahaha!)

ANVI TUTEJA

-with you till the end of the line, pal-

Anvi Tuteja, Experiences, Incandescence, Poems, Reality Reimagined (Incandescence)

At the Stroke of Midnight

January 1, 2021April 14, 2022 anvituteja

At the Stroke of Midnight,
As the twelfth chime rang,
I was blinded by the sparkling light,
As my family huddled ’round, like a top-secret gang,

Lay rotting away, the wreaths on the doors,
A day to end all pain, misery and strife,
It was the moment, everyone had been waiting for,
The thick tension was palpable; could be cut with a knife,

It was a day to forget,
The mistakes of the past,
To let go of all sorrows, sins and regrets,
The die had finally been cast,

All waited with bated breath,
Everything paused, flying birds, rustling leaves, not to mention, man,
Everything paused, moving clouds, flowing water, not to mention, death,
As The Countdown finally began,

10, The numbers flashed on the clock,
9, Stuck between a hard place and a rock,
8, Glancing up at the sky,
7, Everyone as if petrify’,
6, Caught breath, suppressed sighs, controlled gasps,
5, Accounting for the calendar’s gaps,
4, Having run out of patience,
3, Adults no longer calm, Children no longer vivacious,
2, Waiting for the year to finally be over,
1, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

ANVI TUTEJA

-with you till the end of the line, pal-

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(Or When I Made Eggless Chocolate Chip Sugar Butter Cookies)

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